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Last week we began a new series entitled, “Destroy the Sandcastle”. This series will be focusing on 6 keys to building a marriage that will last. It would be easy to say this is only for married people, but the truth is, this series is for married couples, single people, divorced people, engaged people and those that don’t know really where they are in the process.
The thing that we need to understand from the outset of this series is that relationships are complicated. The world is not doing anything in this day and age to help alleviate the confusion and problems that we encounter.
Our society does not even understand what makes a great marriage. Because of it, single people are chasing something that does not exist or they are chasing what does exist in the wrong way. Many married couples are stuck with no way to move forward because they don’t get that it doesn’t happen magically.
In the first week of this series, we focused on the idea of Emotional Intimacy. It is learning that the words we use are tied to emotional values in our heart. That our job is to look beyond words to see what is really going on.
Effective Communication is when we share everything with one another. It is to be known by someone and to want to know them.
As we look at the second foundation of a good marriage, we need to understand that building foundations means that some things need to be torn down to build them correctly. A faulty foundation will lead to instability in your life, in your marriage and even spiritually.
Last week we looked at Jesus’ statement about building on the right things…
Matthew 7:24-27 (ESV) 24 “Everyone then who hears these words of mine and does them will be like a wise man who built his house on the rock. 25 And the rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and beat on that house, but it did not fall, because it had been founded on the rock. 26 And everyone who hears these words of mine and does not do them will be like a foolish man who built his house on the sand. 27 And the rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell, and great was the fall of it.”
Today, we are going to pick up the second part of this series and talk about Physical Intimacy as a foundation of a good marriage. Now when we talk about physical intimacy, immediately some will try to equate this to sexual intimacy. they are very different in nature.
You can have physical intimacy without having sexual intimacy…but you will not have sexual intimacy without physical intimacy.
Physical intimacy is closeness and connection that we have through a loving touch. Those touches can be things like:
Holding Hands
Kisses
Hugs
Holding one another
Non-Sexual Contact
I told you last week, that as we moved into these foundations of marriage, you will see a common thread. That thread is communication.
Effective communication is changing constantly, it’s a process, it leads to more discovery, and it maintain energy in your relationship. It works the same in this area.
Physical touch conveys more than just holding hands. It’s about being seen. It represents attachment and belonging. One of the first opportunities that you have as a couple even in dating to show love is through those moments of holding hands or that first kiss on the porch.
Those moments of simple touches begin to build connection with our hearts. And we need that as we go forward in our relationships.
Touch conveys security and belonging. It brings peace. The reason you have a sense of feel is to know that security that comes with it.
Even babies, from the moment they are born, know the difference between the touch of a parent and someone else. That’s why doctors want to put a baby in the mothers arms immediately because it starts a connection that draws them to one another.
Think about that for a moment today…that from the moment you were born, you were wired by God to need affection in your life. You were wired with a need to be touched, held, and care for. It’s essential part of your development as a human being.
Affection is a step beyond love. Its one thing to hear the words “I love you”, its a completely different thing to feel the word in action. Affection take a relationship to a deeper level of tender expression that will result in feelings of closeness and security.
When we read the account of Adam in Genesis, God has created everything around him and even placed in the midst of the greatest place ever. He could have a relationship with God that no other would have outside of Jesus…and yet, God saw that there was something missing.
Genesis 2:18 (ESV) Then the Lord God said, “It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him.”
In all that God created, it was the first thing that He said, something has to change after it was created. It was man. He had designed him to be a relational being. But more than that, He had designed man to be with another.
As a side note, he was specific in what he designed for man. He designed a woman that would be a compliment to who he was. They were different. They were created different. These differences completed the other.
Physical intimacy should come from a desire within us to connect with another. To be known and to be seen, but also to be part of something more than ourselves.
It shows in our first milestones of a relationship…
First time holding hands
First kiss
The hugs and holding one another
These firsts begin setting the stage for a connection that is more than just knowledge of someone or thinking you would like them. It shows that you are connecting with them.
I was somewhere the other day, I don’t even remember where and came home to see Hallie and Summer watching the show “The Bachelor”. Have you seen this show? It’s crazy!
The thing that struck me, was the way that physical intimacy was thrown around like it didn’t mean anything. This guy is dating 10 girls at the same time and having intimate/personal moments with each of them. They were using a kiss or flirting as a tool to win a prize.
I looked at Summer and said, this is ridiculous. Imagine being with someone who 5 minutes before was kissing someone else. Affection is not a tool to win a prize. It is a representation of knowing that you are with the one. It shows true love in it. I know that counters everything that society is pushing these days.
Remember I said, that the world doesn’t understand real love and what a great marriage would look like. They are content with chasing sandcastles that honestly don’t stand the test of time.
It treats intimacy and touch like nothing. That it is normal in every relationship that you enter into. But affection like these, should be reserved for someone you feel close to and secure with. Does that mean that you will marry every person that you have held hands with or kissed…NO. That’s why certain things are saved for your marriage, and we will get into that a few weeks.
Those firsts are not things that should ever go away, but should built upon. They are foundation for intimacy that goes deeper than just the words I love you.
The problem is that with time, we take those things for granted. The things that meant so much at the beginning, we start to ignore. The kisses that meant so much become just a peck on the cheek or lips, but nothing more. It can be an area of neglect in our relationships as the demands of life take over.
Without physical intimacy, you relationship with your spouse will feel more like roommates that share a house together. Sure you may have responsibilities and a marriage, but without those moments of touch, would anyone really know that you were a couple.
Understand something today, touch is on both parties. It takes two to give and receive.
Love is not just a noun to encapsulate a feeling. It’s not an adjective that you use to describe something. Love is action! It has to have movement in it. Affection and physical touch takes us to a place of feeling closeness with someone and passion for them. It leads us to a place of security!
We see love in action for us people through the love of Christ. He didn’t say he loved us with an everlasting love and leave it at that. No Jesus took love to the extreme and put action to what He was talking about.
Ephesians 5:25-33(ESV) 25 Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, 26 that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, 27 so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish.[a] 28 In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, 30 because we are members of his body. 31 “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” 32 This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. 33 However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.
Church, to love your spouse is not just a good idea, its a biblical mandate. How you do that, is even spelled out in the bible. Gentlemen, we are to love our wives as Christ loves the Church.
Do you understand how big of a command that really is? Its not a suggestion. It is a command of God over your and my life. Sometimes we miss the little things that come along with love.
How did Jesus show affection to the church?
1 John 4:19 (ESV) We love because he first loved us
I understand the context of this passage is about having brotherly love for one another. But if God commands us to have love for one another, how many of you know that even more so with our spouse?
Jesus was the initiator of the relationship with the church. He is the chaser of the church. He is chasing after you and me and wants to have a relationship with us. We respond as Christians to this wooing of the Lord. That is what our relationship with the Lord is all about. It’s a love story between the bride groom and the bride.
When we read the bible, the strangest book that we will ifind n it’s pages is Song of Solomon. It doesn’t fit anything else in it’s pages. Its an anomaly, or is it? Its the story of the bride and groom and their love for one another.
You find all throughout it what is important in this love for one another. From the moment you open the pages of the book, you see this idea of physical not sexual intimacy.
Song of Solomon 1:2, 4 (ESV) Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth! For your love is better than wine; 4 Draw me after you; let us run. The king has brought me into his chambers.
You see this is not just a relationship of mere words, but the cry of the bride to the groom. She desires this relationship and the connection that comes with it.
The truth is in our very lives today, we are wired for connection. We are wired to have healthy relationships with others. We want it. There’s not a person in here that doesn’t need it in their lives and their marriage. You want to feel wanted and needed by someone.
Husbands, God has called you to the be initiator of the chase. You are to love first. You are to be action first! Wives, affection starts with the husband but is completed with you. It takes two.
And when we do not get that affection and wooing in our marriage, something happens? It leaves us starving for it.
If you ever watch a news report from a country that is facing famine, you see some things in common. A starving person will do anything to get food. And when you see these kinds of situations, you usually will see countries in war, crime, poverty runs rampant, and death.
As a kid, I can remember the commercials with the young Ethiopian children on them. How they looked and the dire situation that famine had brought to their countries.
We’ve been blessed in the United States, that we don’t know understand or not what that feels like from a physical sense. But that’s not the case in other areas of our lives.
In our marriages and relationships, you can find yourself starved for affection. When you do find yourself there, it can lead you to places and things you would have never dreamed.
In some marriages, it leads to:
Manipulative games with our spouses (get this for that)
Lead to fantasy and unhealthy wants
Addictions, not just chemical, but maybe even to work
Gambling
Opposite sex friendships
God equipped each of us to give and receive affection in our marriages. We’ve been all commanded to love..but action shows love. When we withhold that from one another, it carries down the line.
Sure it affects our marriage and our closeness…but it will even carryover to your children. Because they see the small touches and the hugs. They feel what is happening in mom and dad.
Physical touch is about belonging and being seen by someone. If our kids see us as a parents still in love, still flirting, still hugging, still kissing, it leaves a mark on them. The kids say GROSS, I DONT WANT TO SEE THAT! (Remember dad, if your wife has had gremlins hanging off of her all day, she may not want you touching her either)
But the truth is, our kids need to see a mom and dad that are still connected.
Let me for just a minute hit this point a little bit and then I will close out for the day. But the home is the place where all real training takes place in life. The bible shows us that it is the parents who are to teach our children.
Deuteronomy 6:5-7(ESV) 5 You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might. 6 And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart. 7 You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise.
We have all learned that first verse there and Jesus said that we are also to learn to love our neighbor as ourselves…but where does that learning come from…home.
Parents, your walk and your life is teaching your kids every step of the way. And the things that you may think are unimportant, are not. Your kids are watching how you and your spouse interact and do life. And it will affect how they do it in the future.
Affection is not a buzz word, its a God thing for our lives. That physical touch that you show to one another, will pass to your kids. You can show them healthy and vibrant or you can give them excuses for something less than.
You see everyday our society in inundated with images and thoughts of what love looks like. So much of it is wrapped up in easy sex and wrong physical attraction. It has been shown that love looks like pornography and that everyone who loves does those things.
But love in marriage is different. God’s system is different. It was all about the other person. Focusing your attention to them. Winning their affection through action. Actions that are not for our benefit but for the other.
In marriage, we lay down our lives for the other. When we do that, we start showing our kids that love has a look to it. That is beautiful when done right.
Dads if you have a daughter…she is watching you to see what she needs in a husband in the future. Your daughter is looking to you to see a real picture of what God is. She is looking to you to find what real affection looks like from a man. She is looking to you for self-esteem and to know that she is worth more.
Moms, your sons are looking to you for an example of what to look for in a wife. They are taught through your example of how you love their dad and how love is lived out in the house. Moms you build the self-esteem of that young man by how you show respect and love to their dad and they will believe that they are worthy of it too. You also instill true faith in God in their lives.
I know that fathers and sons have a powerful relationship and so do mothers and daughters. But these examples is what they will look for as they move out on their own.
Today, you may not be walking out a good example for your kids. We’ve all been there. You can change that. You can move your relationship to a new level and tear down the sandcastle that you have built in place of what God had in mind.
2 Corinthians 4:16 (ESV) So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day.
You can be renewed every day. And today can be a day to start all over.