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Two weeks ago we started a new series entitled, “Destroy the Sandcastle”. Now I know this is an odd title for a series like this, but I have been amazed at the stories I am hearing of how couples are putting some work into building the right foundations in their marriages. It has been encouraging!
In this series we are focusing on 6 keys to building a marriage that will last. As I have said, this is not just a series for married couples, but also for the singles that one day would like to be in a great relationship, for those that have gone through the hurt of divorce as well.
The thing that we need to understand from the outset of this series is that relationships are complicated. Because they are complicated, we need a dummies guide to them. You remember those books? The dummies guide to computers, cars etc? We need to understand how to navigate and build relationships better.
Over the course of this series, it is my hope and prayer that you are taking some of these thoughts and working on those foundations that your relationships are built upon.
We find in the book of Matthew, the sermon on the mount. As Jesus was teaching in this sermon on the mount, He taught about things like beatitudes, being salt and light, anger, lust, divorce, revenge, and love. He also went into the basics of what it means to live out your faith in giving, praying and fasting. All of these things are foundations for your Christian life. But he ends it by emphasizing the idea of a foundation and the importance of what you build on.
Matthew 7:24-27 (ESV) 24 “Everyone then who hears these words of mine and does them will be like a wise man who built his house on the rock. 25 And the rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and beat on that house, but it did not fall, because it had been founded on the rock. 26 And everyone who hears these words of mine and does not do them will be like a foolish man who built his house on the sand. 27 And the rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell, and great was the fall of it.”
We want to build foundation in our lives both spiritually and relationally that will last when the storms of life come, and as I have said before, they will come. The bible teaches us that it rains on the righteous and unrighteous alike. (Matt 5:45)
In part of this sermon, Jesus hits in the idea and your finances. It is interesting to note that the number 1 reason for troubles in marriage is not some great moral failure, but stress caused by finances.
So today, the foundation that we are going to discuss is Financial Intimacy in your marriage. Now understand that this is more than just having a budget talk. We know that money management and understanding the power and hold that money has in our lives is very important. But remember, we are talking intimacy or closeness in this area.
If you are going to build a marriage that will last, at some point you are going to deal with finances in your life. It is going to come. What each of you as spouses believe about money, will impact your marriage. The truth is we all have beliefs about the role money plays in our lives.
Many of us are going to fall into one of two categories when it comes to our relationship with money. Those 2 categories are spenders and savers.
Psalm 139:13-14 (ESV) 13For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother’s womb.14I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well.
What does that mean in this context? It means that each of you were created differently when it comes to how you view things. And money is not an exception to this rule. You are unique in your thinking, upbringing, and your relationship to money.
You see finances through the lens of your creation. The bible talks about our lives being like clay in the potters hands. I believe that means that we are constantly being formed and changed.
But you were formed with a unique personality with defined likes and dislikes, with unique gifts and abilities. All of this comes together with how you brought up to create a complete picture of who you are.
In relationships, usually one is a great planner and one will be a great giver. One will be a spender and one will be a saver. And too many times we view these differences as a negative…but you need both to live in balance!
A saver makes sure that there is enough money to live on and the spender makes sure that it’s a life worth living.
I want to really think about this a moment. Savers and spenders see their roles and how life is lived very differently, and because of that, they can find themselves at odds and fighting against one another instead of seeing the benefit of one another.
Savers will value the QUANTITY OF LIFE while Spenders value the QUALITY OF LIFE. A saver will focus on how they money they can earn will provide security and longevity while a spender will focus on creating experiences and making memories that are worth the longevity.
They really are not opposing views, but should be seen as complimentary. There is nothing worse than being around misers that can’t enjoy what they earned in their lifetime. I know people that live their entire lives just for retirement. When they get there, they don’t have the memories that they could have had while living. The other side is those that feel like money grows on trees and they spend it as fast as it comes in on every whim. They live paycheck to paycheck and all it takes is one miscalculation to destroy them financially.
Financial intimacy in our marriages should start even before we are married. For the single folks here today, you need to know that the person want to marry has a good hold on reality when it comes to money. Just because they have a nice car or seem to be able to go anywhere they want, doesn’t mean that they are financially literate. You could join yourself with a person that financially is a mess that holds no similar financial goals as you, and that will be the undoing of the relationship in the long-run.
Managing money in your marriage will be a stress point. You can either start talking about your shared goals and the things that are important to you when it comes to these areas, or they will become a chain that will hold you back later.
12% of married people admit that they NEVER talk about money
26% of married people admit that they AVOID talks about money
The reason why is that it causes arguments. A lot of times it comes down to how we see our money merged together, deal with debt, budgeting (priorities), investing, money secrets and how we prepare for emergencies.
Only 32% of American families operate on a monthly budget. That means the likelihood that only 3/10 families families here today have a budget.
We also know that 50% of all americans are living paycheck to paycheck.
Approximately 70% of americans are in debt that they cannot payoff in a year.
Only 30% of Americans have more than $500 saved for emergencies (19% have nothing saved)
In marriage, it comes down to those images again. We got to have the nicest house, with the greatest furniture. Some newlyweds attempt to get everything that their parents took 24 years to gather in their first 24 months.
It’s the love of stuff that keeps people from a living an abundant life. You and I don’t need the latest things all the time, but we have sold a bill of goods that says you are less than if you don’t have it. We are trying to keep up with people who are broke.
Luke 12:15 (ESV) And he said to them, “Take care, and be on your guard against all covetousness, for one’s life does not consist in the abundance of his possessions.”
In your marriage and in your relationship with God, your life will require submission. Remember last week, talked about in Ephesians 5 that role of husbands and wives. We are given the example of how Christ loved the church is how we love one another. Jesus completely submitted his life for us.
As married people or those that may want to be married and have a great relationship, you have to understand that it is not about you anymore…this is a coming together of 2 people to achieve something better. This compromise means you are not who you were before marriage.
Mark 10:6-9 (ESV) 6But from the beginning of creation, ‘God made them male and female.’ 7‘Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife,a 8and the two shall become one flesh.’ So they are no longer two but one flesh. 9What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate.”
That means when we came together, the spender cannot continue just with whatever they want to do, nor can the saver stop all fun from happening. We become a mix of the two, not automatically, but through effort and real emotional intimacy (talking about what is really important). We learn and grow together to go after these new common goals!
The sandcastle of comparison is what needs to be destroyed. We have to begin to build a foundation of mutual submission in the area of our finances. That means really looking at what is important to us!
It is not hard to know what your values are in life and in marriage. All you have to do is check out your spending habits.
Matthew 6:21 (ESV) For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.
It’s more of the things Jesus talked about in the sermon on the mount. The truth is Jesus talked about money quite a bit. Because it is indicator of what has you. Your money not only shows what you value, but also what you trust.
Matthew 6:25-26 (ESV) 25 “Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? 26Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they?
You can live with a value system that is dependent on your ability to provide, or you can start to live with a value system that depends on God’s ability to provide. How you see these areas in your life will lead to contentment or to comparison in all that you do.
So if you want to have Financial Intimacy in your marriage, let me give you some basic things you can do starting today.
1) Place your trust in God for your daily needs
I know that seems like a church thing to say, but it is a smart thing and thing that must happen if you are going to have true financial intimacy. You have to trust that God has this under control. That will take the worry out of the power of money. Money in itself does not hold emotion. It only takes on the emotion you give it. You can give it fear, doubt, anger, joy, contentment…whatever. But it comes from you.
That’s why trusting God with your needs takes the power of it’s control out of your life.
“Moderation and contentment, stemming from a practical faith in God’s provision are the keys to true happiness and financial success.”
Moderation and Contentment, that’s for both spenders and savers.
Deuteronomy 8:18 (ESV) You shall remember the Lord your God, for it is he who gives you power to get wealth, that he may confirm his covenant that he swore to your fathers, as it is this day.
Saver, you don’t have the power to do the best with what is available, but when God is the source of your trust, it will take your ability to another level. Spender when you see that the source of all that you have is God, you will want to be a good steward of what He has given to you.
I want to personally say this…it’s hard to say we trust God to provide, if we don’t give him place in what we have. The bible teaches us a principle of tithing. When you tithe (give 10 of your earnings) to the Lord, it will bless the remaining 90%. Why? The bible says he will rebuke the devourer, meaning that less bad things happen to your stuff. He also will open the windows of heaven pour out blessings on your life. But the biggest advantage for those who tithe, is that you are showing God that he is above every other thing in your life…whatever God is above has the ability to be protected and blessed.
2) Be honest with one another about your feelings
Remember what we have learned around this, your feelings are real. And they dictate everything that you do. If you are a spender and you are afraid that your spouse won’t be on board with something you are buying, you will hide it and that actually is an infidelity in marriage…for some that is hard to handle.
Luke 16:10 (ESV) “One who is faithful in a very little is also faithful in much, and one who is dishonest in a very little is also dishonest in much.
Your feeling about money needs to be shared and your fears as well. If you grew up in a house that thad nothing, you can go either way when you get paid. You can be a hoarder afraid of losing it, or a spender that it’s gone as quick as it comes.
If you have been without or you watch someone go through money like crazy, you will have a tendency not to trust them…marriage has to be about trust. Without it, where are you?
3) Revisit it often
Financial intimacy is something that is not stagnant. Meaning that is always changing and your feeling will always be changing as well. You may make a plan today, but it doesn’t mean that it should be the plan tomorrow.
Your status in life will change often. Raises will come and when they do, so should your life. You also need to make sure that the plan you have actually works and is meeting the needs of both of you.
Peace about finances in your marriage will not happen overnight. And it doesn’t just stay there. You will be constantly looking and changing. You will set expectations for each of you. And when you have real expectations and can lead to frustration. Frustration is gap that is between expectation and reality. But also, you could find yourself living in the wow, when the reality exceeds the expectation.
94% of people who who describe their marriage as great, talk about money and deal with it continually. If you want yours to have a great foundation here, you going to have to do it as well.
You may have to come to terms with how comfortable you are with these kinds of discussions. You need to discover and write down some thoughts about how you feel about money and the idea of submission. What can you personally do to strengthen this area. Do you need a shared money app, envelope system, have more kitchen table talks?
Then come together and share these things with your spouse and work towards a plan that you work. Review it, talk about it. Share your concerns, but also be willing to move toward one another.
Now you may be here today, and the tough part of this whole thing is submission. That word has some negative things attached to it. But at it’s heart is giving of yourself to another. It what Jesus did when he went to the cross for you and I…he submitted his life as a sacrifice. That’s what love does.
No matter where you are on your journey in relationships, there is only one relationship that will change you for eternity, that is the one you have with God. We are brought into communion with God by the blood of Jesus, but we have to accept the forgiveness he gives and know that are made right with Him. When we do, it’s not about avoiding hell, or being scared, but having a relationship with the one that has the ability to make your life, your marriage, everything better.